Changes

I've started writing in a new blog I call "Lifestyle Changes" but I'm still leaving this one up. It's an interesting look into how much I've changed.
First off, I was doing a lot of drugs when I wrote most of this blog. I'm now clean from all substances including alcohol, for 9 months.
I kind of just wanted to get one last bit of craziness off my chest before moving on from here.
Attention world: I like ladies, too. That's right. It's not a phase, it's a fact. And apparently it's one I've had a hard time coming to terms with. Not because I have anything against being bisexual, but because I don't know how to be with a woman. And oddly enough, that's really all I want right now. I don't know how to tell if a woman likes women. I feel insecure with women. I have no confidence. All I know is about coming on to or flirting with a man, and all my attempts at flirting with women is assumed to be a joke. It's easy to flirt with men. It's what I'm used to. Not so easy with ladies. So, that's how I feel. I want a lady. I'm just gonna keep going with the flow. I got all the time in the world.
Peace out, beautiful people. Stay happy and make good choices.

Ridiculous blog.

When I tell you this blog was originally log, it's not an exaggeration.
I'm editing it to simply say that I actually haven't been sleeping lately. Actually tossing and turning in bed, exhausted the next day but still can't sleep at night kind of thing.
That isn't normal for me. I go to sleep right when I turn my lamp out.
My mind is reeling at night. I can't get over what's going on right now.
I'm not editing the blog because I care what anyone on the Internet thinks. I'm editing it because no one I know ever needs to come across that and see what I wrote.
Long story short, this Christmas isn't the same. And that's saying something, because Christmas has pretty much sucked for me for the past like 6 years. I just stopped feeling anything and stopped caring. But this Christmas just won't work for me.

Anyway. The one thing I will go into detail about is how frustrated I am with my religion battle. Sometimes I wonder if believing in God isn't hindering me. I don't think I can stop believing altogether, and I don't think I can stop praying, but I can't escape this stupid trap. There's this inner voice calling me back to the church, especially now that things are difficult, and I can't stand it. There was a reason I left, and now I'm rationalizing that that reason has played out and I've stopped being blind and relying on the church as a crutch, so I can just go back for the support of my peers. But I know what will happen. Everything will go back to how it was. I'll go back to singing every Sunday, because that's the only way I can stand going to mass, and then I'll go back to feeling guilty all the time. And on top of it all, I'll know that most of what is being said is all bullshit. I can't sit there and believe all that crap.

But here's the kicker: everything already is going back to how it was. My morals are the same as they were in the church. Only difference is that I've finally accepted my pro legalize weed status even though I have drug tests and can't smoke it. But when I do something against my own morals, I still feels like ass, God or not. God isn't the one making me feel guilty now, it's all me. For a while there, I'd convinced myself that I really didn't care about all that. But I'm not that person. I can't just be ok with the things I do wrong or the things I do that I regret. I keep tearing myself down. And I keep making the same stupid mistakes. So how do I quit plunging myself into these bouts of depression?

I have so fucking clue. No idea. I'd figured it out at some point, but even when I go back and read that blog where I hash it all out, it doesn't work or make any sense to me. How the hell did I pull it off back then? Damn.

Anyway, before this gets as long as it was before, and before it gets to be me just rambling to myself, I'll go. If anyone is reading this, do me a favor and send me a little comment. It would mean the world just to know people read.

It's been a while.

Well, I haven't written in a while.
Didn't have a specific reason, really. I started school, things got really busy, and the Internet became a matter of little importance. I also realized that little people if any were reading, so I never felt much need to write anymore.
Today I'm writing because the semester is over tomorrow, and I'm in a mood. Last night I did something stupid that I knew would throw me into a low mood, but I did it anyway. And now I'm stuck. I'm kind of done being overly dramatic like I used to. No one else in my life (or general public, aka Facebook) really needs to know I'm upset, so I write about it on a blog no one reads.
First I'd like to give a little update.
I'm still a non religious heathen.
But. I do believe in God, in my own way. He's still very present.
I went to church a couple Sundays ago to see some friends and they talked me into singing for Christmas, which I agreed to because I miss singing so much, but they also immediately thought I was back because I came to one mass. I'd like to trash that stereotype.. I'd like to not be considered Catholic, but still visit a mass every so often to see my friends.
That's my thoughts on that.
So I'm not gonna lie, I really am in a pretty low funk right now. I took a nap earlier, and I woke up just feeling stuck and sad and like I just didn't want to do anything. I'm putting off studying for my last two finals, kind of hoping maybe I can improve my mood enough to motivate myself. I hate these mood swings, and I hate knowing that my own behavior caused it. Damn. That's what impulsive mania will get you. Then crash.. Regret.
Sometimes I hate having morals.
Well, I'll end on that note. Goodnight.

Swinging Low

Every so often, I catch myself saying, "When I grow up, ..." and then I have to stop myself and think about the fact that I'm 21 and legally already grown up in several ways. So when exactly will I ever consider myself grown up? When I finish school? When I have a real job? When I'm married, or have kids? What if I never get married? And also, after I finish with this year of schooling, I plan on working for a year or so and then going back for more, maybe continuing with nursing, maybe doing something different, depending on how much I like it. So will I be suspended in youth during that year while waiting to see what I go back to school for? I honestly wonder if I'll ever feel grown up. I kind of don't want to.

This morning, I was at work, and my client laid down to take a nap, so I relaxed for a bit. I'm in home care, and this specific client is easy.. All I have to do is chores around his house for 4 hours a day, 2 days a week. I had finished doing what needed to be done for the time being, so I got on Facebook on my phone. All of a sudden, all of the background noise became deafeningly loud. I could hear my scrubs brushing against the chair, my fingers tapping the screen of my phone, my client's heavy breathing as he napped. My stomach immediately started hurting, and I made a quick exit to the bathroom before I threw up.

When I got there, I didn't throw up, but everything got louder. There was construction going on outside, and the hammering was killing me. I was shaking and crying, and I didn't understand why. I sat for about 5 minutes, hyperventilating, with my hands over my ears, but all the sounds were in my head, and I couldn't push them out. After a bit, I realized I was having the first anxiety attack I'd had in probably almost a year. I took in deep breaths, calmed myself down the best I could, and talked myself out of it. Not sure why it happened nor can I remember exactly what triggered it, but I know that's what it was.

I plunged into a depression Friday, and I've been working myself out of it on and off throughout the past few days. I've never been able to do that. First of all, I was pretty manic before that, and I recognized it easily when depression came. That was a first. Usually it's slow, and it's hard to tell when it comes. It just happens, and I realize that I'm sad over time. Friday, it hit me like a train. So I've been finding ways to work my way out of it. First thing I did this morning was write in my journal. About solutions to help with the depression. And I was immediately more calm.

When I got home from work, I wasn't in much of a mood to do anything, and I've been working a lot, so I let myself have time to rest. I played around on the computer. I laid in bed for a while and literally just moped. I actually felt physically sick, nauseous and feverish. I let myself cry, because my family is going through a big change soon, and I just needed to cry a bit. Then I got up and ate dinner, brought my sister to her friend's house, and watched a movie with my parents. And I felt better.

I feel ok tonight. I don't feel amazing, but I don't feel bad. I'd say mission accomplished. I've finally learned how to manage this better.

When I grow up, I'll have mastered it. I won't have to think about it anymore. It'll just come naturally. People won't even notice a change anymore. It'll be seamless. When I grow up, it'll be easy. I'll be normal. Used to always look forward to that back when I didn't understand who I am. Didn't I say I wouldn't ever grow up?

Happiness

So tonight, a friend of mine randomly texted me and asked if I'm happy. I replied without hesitation, "Yea, incredibly happy, why do you ask?" and he said he was just wondering, because he cares and asked what the source of my happiness is. I was automatically suspicious honestly, still am.. Seems like everyone has been concerned with my happiness and well being since my beliefs changed, and it can't be a coincidence. I don't want pity, and I especially don't want concern where it's not needed.. For anyone to think that enlightenment and self realization is reason for unhappiness is insane and disappointing. So I replied, "Confidence in myself and who I am. Sense of peace with however life will turn out and, and trust that I will make it through whatever hardships are thrown at me. Lack of judgement toward others, thus lack of judgement toward myself. Lots of self realization." and he said he would pray for me. Whatever my beliefs are, however much I doubt, however different my idea of god may be than the catholic or christian god, general prayer is always appreciated and accepted. But if someone is praying for me because he thinks I'm going through a tough time because of my lack of religion, he should save his prayers.

Anyway, I thanked him regardless, and that was that. But I was thinking, it was easy for me to come up with the source of my happiness when it wouldn't have been before. I'm trying to figure out why, exactly. A lot of times, I put my happiness solely on god. Like, if I was happy, it was because of god and whatever graces he was providing or our relationship. It's good to rely on myself for happiness now. It seemed to be pretty up and down before. I didn't really know who I was, so I couldn't be happy.

If someone were to ask me if I was happy, I usually would've hesitated and said something like, "most of the time." and that's true now too, to an extent. Of course I'm not always happy, but I'm generally content with life, and I know that that's good enough. I don't have to hesitate, and that in and of itself makes me a happier person, just having that positive outlook.

I'm comfortable with myself, and I'm not so concerned with fixing people. Just letting that go helped a fuckload.

It's not really a question of whether or not I'm happy, cause I know I am, and it's my opinion that matters. Someone who looks at me might think I'm not.. Sometimes I might party a bit too hard, and I've pretty much rejected the standard idea of a relationship, but those are things that can be changed.. I'm still young. The question is more how I shifted to this state.

There's something about being care free that has been amazing.. I've literally never been care free before. I'm just not concerned with things that don't matter anymore.

I don't care about the rest. I don't care about anyone who thinks I'm digging myself a grave. If I am, then I'll get myself out of it. Everything is good, knowing that is the key to being happy. Relying on myself for hope and knowledge of what's right and wrong makes me stronger, makes me feel better about my character. That, in turn, makes me more content.

Friendship can be a bitch

I've been thinking about friendship lately. I used to have really close friends, and now I find myself alone more often than not. I don't have as many close friends, and I don't spend as much time with the people I consider close. Is that a bad thing, though?

When I was in high school and first starting college, it was a necessity to hang out with the people I felt close to. I mean duh, if I liked them, I wanted to spend time with them. And sometimes, if people couldn't find time to hang out, it was easy to feel left out or hurt. Now that I've been pushed into the real world, where my schedule is insane and I barely even have time to sleep enough, I'm the one who doesn't have time to hang out. And when I make time, it's with people I really care about and have been friends with for a while or people I haven't seen in a long time. It's a bit difficult to make new, lasting friendships and keep up old ones when there's hardly time to think clearly. So then people end up feeling all offended and hurt and shit.

I notice sometimes on sites like Facebook, people like to go on deleting sprees. I do it, too. But I think sometimes people take it too seriously. I mean, do people really think that deleting someone off of a social networking site is that big of a deal? I usually just weed out when I realize that I'm collecting a bunch of people I barely know or never talk to. But to seriously be so into it that you feel like the people being deleted are also gone from your life? That's a bit much. Not only that, but what reason is there have for being so final about it, anyway? I mean, to cut so many people out. Like, it's one thing just to weed out because you realize you have people on there you barely know, but if you're seriously going through and recognizing every wrong each person has ever done to you or thinking back to when you guys last talked or chilled, and if it's been too long, you want this person gone.. That's ridiculous. Regardless of whatever good times you may have had. I mean call me crazy, but if I had a good friendship with someone at some point, I wouldn't want to cut them out over some petty little thing like "he isn't there for me when I need him." People don't seem to realize.. You don't know what that person might be going through during the time he wasn't there for you.

I get so tired of hearing the bitching and whining, honestly. Just grow up. When you grow up and move on, your friends tend to consist of your coworkers, your spouse, and your neighbors. Anyone else, you usually don't see or talk to very often, because you all have lives now. A lot of times, your old friends move away. It's a little immature to keep trying to maintain these bonds and getting offended and upset when they aren't as close or strong as they used to be. If you let all that shit go, the bond will grow stronger.

Some of my best friends are the ones I can go months without seeing or even talking to, and when we finally do see each other, it's exactly the same. Because I know our bond is just that strong. I've realized that when we grow up, we tend to not care so much about hanging out all the time.

Another crucial thing I've realized is that you can never, ever expect a friend to be anyone other than the person they are. Even if there are some fucked up parts, you have to accept them. Or you aren't a friend. So the fact that I can barely ever hang out is one of the things that sucks about being my friend, and I know that if someone can handle it, they're a true friend. I also can't stand clinginess, so my good friends know not to bug me about hanging out.. If I'm free and want to do something, they'll usually know about it.

Completely accepting who someone is can be hard, honestly. Because I know people.. I love them, but god they do some things that are questionable. Just like me. What it takes is not wanting to change them. Like, unfortunately, I won't ever feel as comfortable with my church friends as I used to, because I know they will always hope I'll go back. And it's not happening. I literally vowed to myself again in the chapel the other day that I'm not going back. No matter what my relationship with god is, whether it grows stronger, weaker, whatever.. I'm not going back to the church. But they'll always hope I do. And that's not accepting me exactly how I am. And honestly, I wouldn't ever change them. They are wonderful people, and they are perfect the way they are. I just wish they could see how much better I am now.

One of my good friends right now is an old friend from high school I reconnected with. We don't see each other too often, but we try to make plans every so often when we both have free time. Neither of us freaks when the other has to cancel or can't do anything. He's very eccentric and different than me in a lot of ways. But he's hilarious, and we get along well. I do things he doesn't like, and he probably does things I wouldn't be interested in. But he accepts me.. I accept him. In fact, shit, he's one of my favorite friends because I feel so comfortable around him and I feel no need to be someone I'm not. I feel no need to make time for him, no need to "keep up the friendship".. It keeps itself up. We're just so damn cool with each other that it works.

That's what real friendship is like.

Changes

So yesterday, my sister and I were sitting on a porch swing, listening to music and watching her pregnant friend hula hoop and dance. This was odd, because my sister and I never used to hang out. We talked and stuff, but it was very rare that we actually went and did stuff together outside of our house.

She just moved back into my parents' house not long ago from an apartment after having a bunch of unexpected expenses come up. I won't lie, she got herself into some trouble. Not irreversible trouble or horrible trouble, but still trouble. But that's kind of what teenagers do. And she's still in the throes of being young. I'll admit, I'm not as crazy as her, but I still haven't given up being young yet, either.

Anyway, we were out to eat and getting drinks together with another one of her friends one night, which was also odd, and she told me I should go out with her and her friends some time. And I realized that I had never been out with her, ever. I mean like need to designate a driver going out. And we pondered on why that could be, and just decided it was because she was a bitch and just didn't want to hang out with me in the past.

So while we were sitting there on that porch swing, she turns to me and says, "I just realized why I can hang out with you now. It's because you're open minded. I could tell you didn't really care what I did before, but I still felt like you didn't approve in a way. I mean yea I was a bitch, but that wasn't the only reason." and it's true, there were times when I loved her, and I didn't care what she did, but I still was hoping she would change. Completely accepting someone is loving them exactly how they are. And I'm not talking about the fact that she parties all the time.. That's just her having fun and it's probably a phase that will end at some point. I'm talking about who she IS. Deep down, I used to want her to come back to the church and be into it like I was. And that wasn't and isn't her. Probably never will be. But like, I don't want it to be. I love her, flaws and everything. She's a free spirit, she has a beautiful soul, and I wouldn't want to change a thing about her. I always had things I wanted to change about people before.

And that's just another reason I know that whatever changes have happened in me are good ones, not bad ones.

Conflicted

So I just got an email about youth group. My heart kind of skipped a beat when I saw the youth director's email address in the inbox.. I hadn't gotten around to telling her I wouldn't be involved in youth group this fall. But the email actually worked in my favor.. And still made me sad for some reason.

Apparently the youth group is being transformed. To me, it sounds like they're getting rid of it. It seems like it's just gonna die out eventually. And the current youth directors are stepping down because they don't feel they have the time to put in for that change. Apparently there won't be Sunday night meetings anymore, they're just associating it into Religious Ed classes. And adding a 12th grade class for after confirmation, which I think is kinda bullshit.. That won't do very well, I'm sure. So it takes care of my problem, I don't have to tell anyone anything about youth group, because there will be no more meetings that I need to help with, but I feel conflicted. I actually feel like I want things to still work for them. I still care about the young people there.

Some girl called me the other night about starting an adult group and maybe doing bible study and stuff.. Apparently I had talked to a deacon a while back about wanting to do that and he gave out my number. But that must have been when I had a shit load of free time. I actually considered doing it, because I could use some bible study, honestly. I don't know enough about the bible. I would just have a hard time because eventually I'd have to be honest with them about my beliefs. But I honestly just don't have time. I don't know when I'd be able to do it. And now I want to do it even more now that youth group is gone. I hate that I'm gonna have to call this girl back and tell her I can't do it.. She sounded so eager.

Anyway, just felt like writing. It's like part of me feels pulled back, but I know if I was there I would just feel depressed. Youth group was half of what I wanted so badly to build up and be really involved in, and now it's all different and I wouldn't be able to be as involved. There's nothing there for me anymore except for the music, and I'm finally starting to get over missing that so much. And the people, of course.. Nothing will ever replace them. But I can't go back just for companionship.

The Ultimate Truth

So I haven't written in a while.. I guess I've been trying to gather my thoughts. I've written a couple things in my journal, but nothing I felt compelled to blog. I even wrote some things I meant to blog, but I ended up deciding I didn't want to. A lot has happened in my mind since I last wrote anything here.. I couldn't possibly write it all down, nor would anyone want to hear it all. In short, I think I'm becoming happier with each passing day. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with my weird moods clouding up how I really feel, but I've got a handle on things, it seems.

Basically, I'll try to summarize a couple of the things I've realized.

I don't think I'm living the wrong way. I don't feel guilty each day. I am not breaking my own moral code. But if I am ever to break any habits that I have right now, it should be for myself, not because I think I should for God. That's the key. Whether or not it's wrong, if I ever do feel the need to change any of my habits, it shouldn't be for anyone but myself.

"Wrong" is completely subjective, anyway. There is no one truth in life, there are a lot of subjective truths. My truth is that I'm content living exactly the way I'm living, and the next guy's truth is that he's happy going to church and finding answers there. There is not one correcy way to live, each person is different, and each person finds a different way to survive. THAT is the ultimate truth.

I'm pretty positive the long depression is over, finally. Glad for that. I think I know what was making it worse, and I've been able to let it go instead of holding onto it and letting it fester. I don't feel so much like something is missing anymore, and I feel like things will eventually come together. But instead of looking ahead and trying to make sure things come together, I'm trying to just focus on now, getting through these next few months and years.

I was driving in my car the other day listening to music, and something in the lyrics struck me, and a thought popped into my head.. it was something like, "You just need to find something to live for again.. Something that you love more than anything." and I thought about it for a second, thought about how I lived for God and singing with the church and doing things with the youth group, and what I could find to live for now that all that was gone, and several things ran through my head.. And all that lasted about 1 minute, maybe less. Then I rejected the thought, because I realized that if I find something new to live for just to replace the old, then I'm letting myself down. Gotta do for myself.. Be what I want to be. And if I find something that I love in the process, great. But really, for now, I just have to focus on letting me be my own guide.

Random note, I sang at a wedding not long ago and realized how much I missed singing. My plan is to record a cd and get it out to a couple wedding coordinators.. I'd get my music fix and it would solve some financial problems I'll have once I go back to school. So I'm definitely hoping that works out.

Other than that, I'm working on a project that'll eventually require publishing if it gets that far, but even just being productive feels good, whether or not it's successful. I actually wrote the beginnings of a song, first one in a few months at least, so that feels good. I've lost some weight, and people have noticed, which feels really great. Got new clothes as a reward to myself. I officially re-enrolled for school in the fall.. All I have to do now is get all my shit with finger prints, drug testing, physicals, and all that taken care of and get my classes scheduled. I'll be going back full time.. It'll feel good to be busy all the time again and have a normal schedule.

So everything is settling down, I guess. Not so many church people on my back. I can talk to them without feeling guilty. It'll probably take a bit for me to stop feeling like I let them down, cause the ones from my band probably do feel that way, but I think it'll work out. I love those people too much to let them slip out of my life just because we don't believe the same thing.

Well, that's about it. I wish I could better describe how it feels in my head.. Rather than up and down, it feels like a constant climb. Or like I'm just floating on the surface. I much prefer it that way, actually. While there isn't any high, no delirious happiness, it also doesn't feel like there's much low, either. It doesn't feel like when I do sink, I could crash hard like I've done in the past. At first it was uncomfortable, but I've gotten used to it.

Basically, when I close my eyes and think of something I could possibly wish for to make things easier or to make me happier right now, I come up with nothing.

I'm a bad person.

Saw a guy from my band today at Toys R Us, where he apparently works.. I was struck by just how much I miss him. He's one of those people who's just a genuinely good person, who really grows on you. He's a good kid. Really. Anyway, he wasn't there when I originally told the band, so I never heard his opinion on it. For some reason, I got this idea in my head that he wasn't happy with me about it.. But I've been paranoid about everyone in the church, basically. Any little message or comment from one of them seems like a conviction. In reality, most of them don't even know for sure. I care too much. Anyway, he asked me about it, told me that they had told him, and then told me that they had pretty much made me sound like a bad person. I mean I guess I expected that but it still bugs me. And pisses me off a little. I mean I guess I'm not exactly the best "role model", and I always was a pretty big image in that sense, so they probably can't just be like "well, she left so she could pursue happiness." but it still hurts a little. But he said he understood and that he kinda felt the same way about the church. And it just made me respect him even more. This is a kid I could maintain a real friendship with outside of church if we were close to begin with. He sees that I'm still who I always was. I miss my people and my music, it hit me yesterday when I was practicing for a wedding with a girl from the band.. I miss singing with her and talking to her and just being around her. And man, I miss singing, period. I haven't found another outlet yet, and it's not easy. Just gotta keep looking. Can't let that go.
Also, I got a phone call from a guy who wants to "lend an ear" if I ever need to talk about my "struggles". Couldn't bring myself to call him back. Apparently he heard I was going through a "hard time" and wanted to be a friend. Because everyone falls in their faith sometimes, he said. That's sweet, except I'm not really going through a hard time. If you wanna be a friend then don't try to get me to come back, just hang out with me like shit is normal.
That's all.