Swinging Low

Every so often, I catch myself saying, "When I grow up, ..." and then I have to stop myself and think about the fact that I'm 21 and legally already grown up in several ways. So when exactly will I ever consider myself grown up? When I finish school? When I have a real job? When I'm married, or have kids? What if I never get married? And also, after I finish with this year of schooling, I plan on working for a year or so and then going back for more, maybe continuing with nursing, maybe doing something different, depending on how much I like it. So will I be suspended in youth during that year while waiting to see what I go back to school for? I honestly wonder if I'll ever feel grown up. I kind of don't want to.

This morning, I was at work, and my client laid down to take a nap, so I relaxed for a bit. I'm in home care, and this specific client is easy.. All I have to do is chores around his house for 4 hours a day, 2 days a week. I had finished doing what needed to be done for the time being, so I got on Facebook on my phone. All of a sudden, all of the background noise became deafeningly loud. I could hear my scrubs brushing against the chair, my fingers tapping the screen of my phone, my client's heavy breathing as he napped. My stomach immediately started hurting, and I made a quick exit to the bathroom before I threw up.

When I got there, I didn't throw up, but everything got louder. There was construction going on outside, and the hammering was killing me. I was shaking and crying, and I didn't understand why. I sat for about 5 minutes, hyperventilating, with my hands over my ears, but all the sounds were in my head, and I couldn't push them out. After a bit, I realized I was having the first anxiety attack I'd had in probably almost a year. I took in deep breaths, calmed myself down the best I could, and talked myself out of it. Not sure why it happened nor can I remember exactly what triggered it, but I know that's what it was.

I plunged into a depression Friday, and I've been working myself out of it on and off throughout the past few days. I've never been able to do that. First of all, I was pretty manic before that, and I recognized it easily when depression came. That was a first. Usually it's slow, and it's hard to tell when it comes. It just happens, and I realize that I'm sad over time. Friday, it hit me like a train. So I've been finding ways to work my way out of it. First thing I did this morning was write in my journal. About solutions to help with the depression. And I was immediately more calm.

When I got home from work, I wasn't in much of a mood to do anything, and I've been working a lot, so I let myself have time to rest. I played around on the computer. I laid in bed for a while and literally just moped. I actually felt physically sick, nauseous and feverish. I let myself cry, because my family is going through a big change soon, and I just needed to cry a bit. Then I got up and ate dinner, brought my sister to her friend's house, and watched a movie with my parents. And I felt better.

I feel ok tonight. I don't feel amazing, but I don't feel bad. I'd say mission accomplished. I've finally learned how to manage this better.

When I grow up, I'll have mastered it. I won't have to think about it anymore. It'll just come naturally. People won't even notice a change anymore. It'll be seamless. When I grow up, it'll be easy. I'll be normal. Used to always look forward to that back when I didn't understand who I am. Didn't I say I wouldn't ever grow up?