Monday, December 19, 2011

Ridiculous blog.

When I tell you this blog was originally log, it's not an exaggeration.
I'm editing it to simply say that I actually haven't been sleeping lately. Actually tossing and turning in bed, exhausted the next day but still can't sleep at night kind of thing.
That isn't normal for me. I go to sleep right when I turn my lamp out.
My mind is reeling at night. I can't get over what's going on right now.
I'm not editing the blog because I care what anyone on the Internet thinks. I'm editing it because no one I know ever needs to come across that and see what I wrote.
Long story short, this Christmas isn't the same. And that's saying something, because Christmas has pretty much sucked for me for the past like 6 years. I just stopped feeling anything and stopped caring. But this Christmas just won't work for me.

Anyway. The one thing I will go into detail about is how frustrated I am with my religion battle. Sometimes I wonder if believing in God isn't hindering me. I don't think I can stop believing altogether, and I don't think I can stop praying, but I can't escape this stupid trap. There's this inner voice calling me back to the church, especially now that things are difficult, and I can't stand it. There was a reason I left, and now I'm rationalizing that that reason has played out and I've stopped being blind and relying on the church as a crutch, so I can just go back for the support of my peers. But I know what will happen. Everything will go back to how it was. I'll go back to singing every Sunday, because that's the only way I can stand going to mass, and then I'll go back to feeling guilty all the time. And on top of it all, I'll know that most of what is being said is all bullshit. I can't sit there and believe all that crap.

But here's the kicker: everything already is going back to how it was. My morals are the same as they were in the church. Only difference is that I've finally accepted my pro legalize weed status even though I have drug tests and can't smoke it. But when I do something against my own morals, I still feels like ass, God or not. God isn't the one making me feel guilty now, it's all me. For a while there, I'd convinced myself that I really didn't care about all that. But I'm not that person. I can't just be ok with the things I do wrong or the things I do that I regret. I keep tearing myself down. And I keep making the same stupid mistakes. So how do I quit plunging myself into these bouts of depression?

I have so fucking clue. No idea. I'd figured it out at some point, but even when I go back and read that blog where I hash it all out, it doesn't work or make any sense to me. How the hell did I pull it off back then? Damn.

Anyway, before this gets as long as it was before, and before it gets to be me just rambling to myself, I'll go. If anyone is reading this, do me a favor and send me a little comment. It would mean the world just to know people read.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's been a while.

Well, I haven't written in a while.
Didn't have a specific reason, really. I started school, things got really busy, and the Internet became a matter of little importance. I also realized that little people if any were reading, so I never felt much need to write anymore.
Today I'm writing because the semester is over tomorrow, and I'm in a mood. Last night I did something stupid that I knew would throw me into a low mood, but I did it anyway. And now I'm stuck. I'm kind of done being overly dramatic like I used to. No one else in my life (or general public, aka Facebook) really needs to know I'm upset, so I write about it on a blog no one reads.
First I'd like to give a little update.
I'm still a non religious heathen.
But. I do believe in God, in my own way. He's still very present.
I went to church a couple Sundays ago to see some friends and they talked me into singing for Christmas, which I agreed to because I miss singing so much, but they also immediately thought I was back because I came to one mass. I'd like to trash that stereotype.. I'd like to not be considered Catholic, but still visit a mass every so often to see my friends.
That's my thoughts on that.
So I'm not gonna lie, I really am in a pretty low funk right now. I took a nap earlier, and I woke up just feeling stuck and sad and like I just didn't want to do anything. I'm putting off studying for my last two finals, kind of hoping maybe I can improve my mood enough to motivate myself. I hate these mood swings, and I hate knowing that my own behavior caused it. Damn. That's what impulsive mania will get you. Then crash.. Regret.
Sometimes I hate having morals.
Well, I'll end on that note. Goodnight.