Ridiculous blog.

When I tell you this blog was originally log, it's not an exaggeration.
I'm editing it to simply say that I actually haven't been sleeping lately. Actually tossing and turning in bed, exhausted the next day but still can't sleep at night kind of thing.
That isn't normal for me. I go to sleep right when I turn my lamp out.
My mind is reeling at night. I can't get over what's going on right now.
I'm not editing the blog because I care what anyone on the Internet thinks. I'm editing it because no one I know ever needs to come across that and see what I wrote.
Long story short, this Christmas isn't the same. And that's saying something, because Christmas has pretty much sucked for me for the past like 6 years. I just stopped feeling anything and stopped caring. But this Christmas just won't work for me.

Anyway. The one thing I will go into detail about is how frustrated I am with my religion battle. Sometimes I wonder if believing in God isn't hindering me. I don't think I can stop believing altogether, and I don't think I can stop praying, but I can't escape this stupid trap. There's this inner voice calling me back to the church, especially now that things are difficult, and I can't stand it. There was a reason I left, and now I'm rationalizing that that reason has played out and I've stopped being blind and relying on the church as a crutch, so I can just go back for the support of my peers. But I know what will happen. Everything will go back to how it was. I'll go back to singing every Sunday, because that's the only way I can stand going to mass, and then I'll go back to feeling guilty all the time. And on top of it all, I'll know that most of what is being said is all bullshit. I can't sit there and believe all that crap.

But here's the kicker: everything already is going back to how it was. My morals are the same as they were in the church. Only difference is that I've finally accepted my pro legalize weed status even though I have drug tests and can't smoke it. But when I do something against my own morals, I still feels like ass, God or not. God isn't the one making me feel guilty now, it's all me. For a while there, I'd convinced myself that I really didn't care about all that. But I'm not that person. I can't just be ok with the things I do wrong or the things I do that I regret. I keep tearing myself down. And I keep making the same stupid mistakes. So how do I quit plunging myself into these bouts of depression?

I have so fucking clue. No idea. I'd figured it out at some point, but even when I go back and read that blog where I hash it all out, it doesn't work or make any sense to me. How the hell did I pull it off back then? Damn.

Anyway, before this gets as long as it was before, and before it gets to be me just rambling to myself, I'll go. If anyone is reading this, do me a favor and send me a little comment. It would mean the world just to know people read.

It's been a while.

Well, I haven't written in a while.
Didn't have a specific reason, really. I started school, things got really busy, and the Internet became a matter of little importance. I also realized that little people if any were reading, so I never felt much need to write anymore.
Today I'm writing because the semester is over tomorrow, and I'm in a mood. Last night I did something stupid that I knew would throw me into a low mood, but I did it anyway. And now I'm stuck. I'm kind of done being overly dramatic like I used to. No one else in my life (or general public, aka Facebook) really needs to know I'm upset, so I write about it on a blog no one reads.
First I'd like to give a little update.
I'm still a non religious heathen.
But. I do believe in God, in my own way. He's still very present.
I went to church a couple Sundays ago to see some friends and they talked me into singing for Christmas, which I agreed to because I miss singing so much, but they also immediately thought I was back because I came to one mass. I'd like to trash that stereotype.. I'd like to not be considered Catholic, but still visit a mass every so often to see my friends.
That's my thoughts on that.
So I'm not gonna lie, I really am in a pretty low funk right now. I took a nap earlier, and I woke up just feeling stuck and sad and like I just didn't want to do anything. I'm putting off studying for my last two finals, kind of hoping maybe I can improve my mood enough to motivate myself. I hate these mood swings, and I hate knowing that my own behavior caused it. Damn. That's what impulsive mania will get you. Then crash.. Regret.
Sometimes I hate having morals.
Well, I'll end on that note. Goodnight.

Swinging Low

Every so often, I catch myself saying, "When I grow up, ..." and then I have to stop myself and think about the fact that I'm 21 and legally already grown up in several ways. So when exactly will I ever consider myself grown up? When I finish school? When I have a real job? When I'm married, or have kids? What if I never get married? And also, after I finish with this year of schooling, I plan on working for a year or so and then going back for more, maybe continuing with nursing, maybe doing something different, depending on how much I like it. So will I be suspended in youth during that year while waiting to see what I go back to school for? I honestly wonder if I'll ever feel grown up. I kind of don't want to.

This morning, I was at work, and my client laid down to take a nap, so I relaxed for a bit. I'm in home care, and this specific client is easy.. All I have to do is chores around his house for 4 hours a day, 2 days a week. I had finished doing what needed to be done for the time being, so I got on Facebook on my phone. All of a sudden, all of the background noise became deafeningly loud. I could hear my scrubs brushing against the chair, my fingers tapping the screen of my phone, my client's heavy breathing as he napped. My stomach immediately started hurting, and I made a quick exit to the bathroom before I threw up.

When I got there, I didn't throw up, but everything got louder. There was construction going on outside, and the hammering was killing me. I was shaking and crying, and I didn't understand why. I sat for about 5 minutes, hyperventilating, with my hands over my ears, but all the sounds were in my head, and I couldn't push them out. After a bit, I realized I was having the first anxiety attack I'd had in probably almost a year. I took in deep breaths, calmed myself down the best I could, and talked myself out of it. Not sure why it happened nor can I remember exactly what triggered it, but I know that's what it was.

I plunged into a depression Friday, and I've been working myself out of it on and off throughout the past few days. I've never been able to do that. First of all, I was pretty manic before that, and I recognized it easily when depression came. That was a first. Usually it's slow, and it's hard to tell when it comes. It just happens, and I realize that I'm sad over time. Friday, it hit me like a train. So I've been finding ways to work my way out of it. First thing I did this morning was write in my journal. About solutions to help with the depression. And I was immediately more calm.

When I got home from work, I wasn't in much of a mood to do anything, and I've been working a lot, so I let myself have time to rest. I played around on the computer. I laid in bed for a while and literally just moped. I actually felt physically sick, nauseous and feverish. I let myself cry, because my family is going through a big change soon, and I just needed to cry a bit. Then I got up and ate dinner, brought my sister to her friend's house, and watched a movie with my parents. And I felt better.

I feel ok tonight. I don't feel amazing, but I don't feel bad. I'd say mission accomplished. I've finally learned how to manage this better.

When I grow up, I'll have mastered it. I won't have to think about it anymore. It'll just come naturally. People won't even notice a change anymore. It'll be seamless. When I grow up, it'll be easy. I'll be normal. Used to always look forward to that back when I didn't understand who I am. Didn't I say I wouldn't ever grow up?

Happiness

So tonight, a friend of mine randomly texted me and asked if I'm happy. I replied without hesitation, "Yea, incredibly happy, why do you ask?" and he said he was just wondering, because he cares and asked what the source of my happiness is. I was automatically suspicious honestly, still am.. Seems like everyone has been concerned with my happiness and well being since my beliefs changed, and it can't be a coincidence. I don't want pity, and I especially don't want concern where it's not needed.. For anyone to think that enlightenment and self realization is reason for unhappiness is insane and disappointing. So I replied, "Confidence in myself and who I am. Sense of peace with however life will turn out and, and trust that I will make it through whatever hardships are thrown at me. Lack of judgement toward others, thus lack of judgement toward myself. Lots of self realization." and he said he would pray for me. Whatever my beliefs are, however much I doubt, however different my idea of god may be than the catholic or christian god, general prayer is always appreciated and accepted. But if someone is praying for me because he thinks I'm going through a tough time because of my lack of religion, he should save his prayers.

Anyway, I thanked him regardless, and that was that. But I was thinking, it was easy for me to come up with the source of my happiness when it wouldn't have been before. I'm trying to figure out why, exactly. A lot of times, I put my happiness solely on god. Like, if I was happy, it was because of god and whatever graces he was providing or our relationship. It's good to rely on myself for happiness now. It seemed to be pretty up and down before. I didn't really know who I was, so I couldn't be happy.

If someone were to ask me if I was happy, I usually would've hesitated and said something like, "most of the time." and that's true now too, to an extent. Of course I'm not always happy, but I'm generally content with life, and I know that that's good enough. I don't have to hesitate, and that in and of itself makes me a happier person, just having that positive outlook.

I'm comfortable with myself, and I'm not so concerned with fixing people. Just letting that go helped a fuckload.

It's not really a question of whether or not I'm happy, cause I know I am, and it's my opinion that matters. Someone who looks at me might think I'm not.. Sometimes I might party a bit too hard, and I've pretty much rejected the standard idea of a relationship, but those are things that can be changed.. I'm still young. The question is more how I shifted to this state.

There's something about being care free that has been amazing.. I've literally never been care free before. I'm just not concerned with things that don't matter anymore.

I don't care about the rest. I don't care about anyone who thinks I'm digging myself a grave. If I am, then I'll get myself out of it. Everything is good, knowing that is the key to being happy. Relying on myself for hope and knowledge of what's right and wrong makes me stronger, makes me feel better about my character. That, in turn, makes me more content.

Friendship can be a bitch

I've been thinking about friendship lately. I used to have really close friends, and now I find myself alone more often than not. I don't have as many close friends, and I don't spend as much time with the people I consider close. Is that a bad thing, though?

When I was in high school and first starting college, it was a necessity to hang out with the people I felt close to. I mean duh, if I liked them, I wanted to spend time with them. And sometimes, if people couldn't find time to hang out, it was easy to feel left out or hurt. Now that I've been pushed into the real world, where my schedule is insane and I barely even have time to sleep enough, I'm the one who doesn't have time to hang out. And when I make time, it's with people I really care about and have been friends with for a while or people I haven't seen in a long time. It's a bit difficult to make new, lasting friendships and keep up old ones when there's hardly time to think clearly. So then people end up feeling all offended and hurt and shit.

I notice sometimes on sites like Facebook, people like to go on deleting sprees. I do it, too. But I think sometimes people take it too seriously. I mean, do people really think that deleting someone off of a social networking site is that big of a deal? I usually just weed out when I realize that I'm collecting a bunch of people I barely know or never talk to. But to seriously be so into it that you feel like the people being deleted are also gone from your life? That's a bit much. Not only that, but what reason is there have for being so final about it, anyway? I mean, to cut so many people out. Like, it's one thing just to weed out because you realize you have people on there you barely know, but if you're seriously going through and recognizing every wrong each person has ever done to you or thinking back to when you guys last talked or chilled, and if it's been too long, you want this person gone.. That's ridiculous. Regardless of whatever good times you may have had. I mean call me crazy, but if I had a good friendship with someone at some point, I wouldn't want to cut them out over some petty little thing like "he isn't there for me when I need him." People don't seem to realize.. You don't know what that person might be going through during the time he wasn't there for you.

I get so tired of hearing the bitching and whining, honestly. Just grow up. When you grow up and move on, your friends tend to consist of your coworkers, your spouse, and your neighbors. Anyone else, you usually don't see or talk to very often, because you all have lives now. A lot of times, your old friends move away. It's a little immature to keep trying to maintain these bonds and getting offended and upset when they aren't as close or strong as they used to be. If you let all that shit go, the bond will grow stronger.

Some of my best friends are the ones I can go months without seeing or even talking to, and when we finally do see each other, it's exactly the same. Because I know our bond is just that strong. I've realized that when we grow up, we tend to not care so much about hanging out all the time.

Another crucial thing I've realized is that you can never, ever expect a friend to be anyone other than the person they are. Even if there are some fucked up parts, you have to accept them. Or you aren't a friend. So the fact that I can barely ever hang out is one of the things that sucks about being my friend, and I know that if someone can handle it, they're a true friend. I also can't stand clinginess, so my good friends know not to bug me about hanging out.. If I'm free and want to do something, they'll usually know about it.

Completely accepting who someone is can be hard, honestly. Because I know people.. I love them, but god they do some things that are questionable. Just like me. What it takes is not wanting to change them. Like, unfortunately, I won't ever feel as comfortable with my church friends as I used to, because I know they will always hope I'll go back. And it's not happening. I literally vowed to myself again in the chapel the other day that I'm not going back. No matter what my relationship with god is, whether it grows stronger, weaker, whatever.. I'm not going back to the church. But they'll always hope I do. And that's not accepting me exactly how I am. And honestly, I wouldn't ever change them. They are wonderful people, and they are perfect the way they are. I just wish they could see how much better I am now.

One of my good friends right now is an old friend from high school I reconnected with. We don't see each other too often, but we try to make plans every so often when we both have free time. Neither of us freaks when the other has to cancel or can't do anything. He's very eccentric and different than me in a lot of ways. But he's hilarious, and we get along well. I do things he doesn't like, and he probably does things I wouldn't be interested in. But he accepts me.. I accept him. In fact, shit, he's one of my favorite friends because I feel so comfortable around him and I feel no need to be someone I'm not. I feel no need to make time for him, no need to "keep up the friendship".. It keeps itself up. We're just so damn cool with each other that it works.

That's what real friendship is like.

Changes

So yesterday, my sister and I were sitting on a porch swing, listening to music and watching her pregnant friend hula hoop and dance. This was odd, because my sister and I never used to hang out. We talked and stuff, but it was very rare that we actually went and did stuff together outside of our house.

She just moved back into my parents' house not long ago from an apartment after having a bunch of unexpected expenses come up. I won't lie, she got herself into some trouble. Not irreversible trouble or horrible trouble, but still trouble. But that's kind of what teenagers do. And she's still in the throes of being young. I'll admit, I'm not as crazy as her, but I still haven't given up being young yet, either.

Anyway, we were out to eat and getting drinks together with another one of her friends one night, which was also odd, and she told me I should go out with her and her friends some time. And I realized that I had never been out with her, ever. I mean like need to designate a driver going out. And we pondered on why that could be, and just decided it was because she was a bitch and just didn't want to hang out with me in the past.

So while we were sitting there on that porch swing, she turns to me and says, "I just realized why I can hang out with you now. It's because you're open minded. I could tell you didn't really care what I did before, but I still felt like you didn't approve in a way. I mean yea I was a bitch, but that wasn't the only reason." and it's true, there were times when I loved her, and I didn't care what she did, but I still was hoping she would change. Completely accepting someone is loving them exactly how they are. And I'm not talking about the fact that she parties all the time.. That's just her having fun and it's probably a phase that will end at some point. I'm talking about who she IS. Deep down, I used to want her to come back to the church and be into it like I was. And that wasn't and isn't her. Probably never will be. But like, I don't want it to be. I love her, flaws and everything. She's a free spirit, she has a beautiful soul, and I wouldn't want to change a thing about her. I always had things I wanted to change about people before.

And that's just another reason I know that whatever changes have happened in me are good ones, not bad ones.

Conflicted

So I just got an email about youth group. My heart kind of skipped a beat when I saw the youth director's email address in the inbox.. I hadn't gotten around to telling her I wouldn't be involved in youth group this fall. But the email actually worked in my favor.. And still made me sad for some reason.

Apparently the youth group is being transformed. To me, it sounds like they're getting rid of it. It seems like it's just gonna die out eventually. And the current youth directors are stepping down because they don't feel they have the time to put in for that change. Apparently there won't be Sunday night meetings anymore, they're just associating it into Religious Ed classes. And adding a 12th grade class for after confirmation, which I think is kinda bullshit.. That won't do very well, I'm sure. So it takes care of my problem, I don't have to tell anyone anything about youth group, because there will be no more meetings that I need to help with, but I feel conflicted. I actually feel like I want things to still work for them. I still care about the young people there.

Some girl called me the other night about starting an adult group and maybe doing bible study and stuff.. Apparently I had talked to a deacon a while back about wanting to do that and he gave out my number. But that must have been when I had a shit load of free time. I actually considered doing it, because I could use some bible study, honestly. I don't know enough about the bible. I would just have a hard time because eventually I'd have to be honest with them about my beliefs. But I honestly just don't have time. I don't know when I'd be able to do it. And now I want to do it even more now that youth group is gone. I hate that I'm gonna have to call this girl back and tell her I can't do it.. She sounded so eager.

Anyway, just felt like writing. It's like part of me feels pulled back, but I know if I was there I would just feel depressed. Youth group was half of what I wanted so badly to build up and be really involved in, and now it's all different and I wouldn't be able to be as involved. There's nothing there for me anymore except for the music, and I'm finally starting to get over missing that so much. And the people, of course.. Nothing will ever replace them. But I can't go back just for companionship.

The Ultimate Truth

So I haven't written in a while.. I guess I've been trying to gather my thoughts. I've written a couple things in my journal, but nothing I felt compelled to blog. I even wrote some things I meant to blog, but I ended up deciding I didn't want to. A lot has happened in my mind since I last wrote anything here.. I couldn't possibly write it all down, nor would anyone want to hear it all. In short, I think I'm becoming happier with each passing day. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with my weird moods clouding up how I really feel, but I've got a handle on things, it seems.

Basically, I'll try to summarize a couple of the things I've realized.

I don't think I'm living the wrong way. I don't feel guilty each day. I am not breaking my own moral code. But if I am ever to break any habits that I have right now, it should be for myself, not because I think I should for God. That's the key. Whether or not it's wrong, if I ever do feel the need to change any of my habits, it shouldn't be for anyone but myself.

"Wrong" is completely subjective, anyway. There is no one truth in life, there are a lot of subjective truths. My truth is that I'm content living exactly the way I'm living, and the next guy's truth is that he's happy going to church and finding answers there. There is not one correcy way to live, each person is different, and each person finds a different way to survive. THAT is the ultimate truth.

I'm pretty positive the long depression is over, finally. Glad for that. I think I know what was making it worse, and I've been able to let it go instead of holding onto it and letting it fester. I don't feel so much like something is missing anymore, and I feel like things will eventually come together. But instead of looking ahead and trying to make sure things come together, I'm trying to just focus on now, getting through these next few months and years.

I was driving in my car the other day listening to music, and something in the lyrics struck me, and a thought popped into my head.. it was something like, "You just need to find something to live for again.. Something that you love more than anything." and I thought about it for a second, thought about how I lived for God and singing with the church and doing things with the youth group, and what I could find to live for now that all that was gone, and several things ran through my head.. And all that lasted about 1 minute, maybe less. Then I rejected the thought, because I realized that if I find something new to live for just to replace the old, then I'm letting myself down. Gotta do for myself.. Be what I want to be. And if I find something that I love in the process, great. But really, for now, I just have to focus on letting me be my own guide.

Random note, I sang at a wedding not long ago and realized how much I missed singing. My plan is to record a cd and get it out to a couple wedding coordinators.. I'd get my music fix and it would solve some financial problems I'll have once I go back to school. So I'm definitely hoping that works out.

Other than that, I'm working on a project that'll eventually require publishing if it gets that far, but even just being productive feels good, whether or not it's successful. I actually wrote the beginnings of a song, first one in a few months at least, so that feels good. I've lost some weight, and people have noticed, which feels really great. Got new clothes as a reward to myself. I officially re-enrolled for school in the fall.. All I have to do now is get all my shit with finger prints, drug testing, physicals, and all that taken care of and get my classes scheduled. I'll be going back full time.. It'll feel good to be busy all the time again and have a normal schedule.

So everything is settling down, I guess. Not so many church people on my back. I can talk to them without feeling guilty. It'll probably take a bit for me to stop feeling like I let them down, cause the ones from my band probably do feel that way, but I think it'll work out. I love those people too much to let them slip out of my life just because we don't believe the same thing.

Well, that's about it. I wish I could better describe how it feels in my head.. Rather than up and down, it feels like a constant climb. Or like I'm just floating on the surface. I much prefer it that way, actually. While there isn't any high, no delirious happiness, it also doesn't feel like there's much low, either. It doesn't feel like when I do sink, I could crash hard like I've done in the past. At first it was uncomfortable, but I've gotten used to it.

Basically, when I close my eyes and think of something I could possibly wish for to make things easier or to make me happier right now, I come up with nothing.

I'm a bad person.

Saw a guy from my band today at Toys R Us, where he apparently works.. I was struck by just how much I miss him. He's one of those people who's just a genuinely good person, who really grows on you. He's a good kid. Really. Anyway, he wasn't there when I originally told the band, so I never heard his opinion on it. For some reason, I got this idea in my head that he wasn't happy with me about it.. But I've been paranoid about everyone in the church, basically. Any little message or comment from one of them seems like a conviction. In reality, most of them don't even know for sure. I care too much. Anyway, he asked me about it, told me that they had told him, and then told me that they had pretty much made me sound like a bad person. I mean I guess I expected that but it still bugs me. And pisses me off a little. I mean I guess I'm not exactly the best "role model", and I always was a pretty big image in that sense, so they probably can't just be like "well, she left so she could pursue happiness." but it still hurts a little. But he said he understood and that he kinda felt the same way about the church. And it just made me respect him even more. This is a kid I could maintain a real friendship with outside of church if we were close to begin with. He sees that I'm still who I always was. I miss my people and my music, it hit me yesterday when I was practicing for a wedding with a girl from the band.. I miss singing with her and talking to her and just being around her. And man, I miss singing, period. I haven't found another outlet yet, and it's not easy. Just gotta keep looking. Can't let that go.
Also, I got a phone call from a guy who wants to "lend an ear" if I ever need to talk about my "struggles". Couldn't bring myself to call him back. Apparently he heard I was going through a "hard time" and wanted to be a friend. Because everyone falls in their faith sometimes, he said. That's sweet, except I'm not really going through a hard time. If you wanna be a friend then don't try to get me to come back, just hang out with me like shit is normal.
That's all.

Miserably Agnostic

I'd first like to mention say that I don't consider myself simply agnostic as much as I do Christian agnostic, and I guess I should explain what that means to me personally, since it seems so contradictory. I just got Weatherhead's "The Christian Agnostic" in the mail during the week, and I should probably get around to reading it, but I've already formed my own ideas.

First of all, I do pray a good bit, if you could call it that. Usually, it's a mixture of talking to myself or journaling and then meditating, but with God in mind- it's my way of maintaining calm. I'm not really a Christian like people in the "Christian community" are- the church goers, the ones who celebrate Easter and all that. I don't trust the Bible, I have no idea if there's an afterlife, I question God's (and Satan's) existence, and I certainly do not doubt that there has been sufficient evidence disproving the existence of any "historical Jesus" who physically walked the Earth. I don't know where the idea of Jesus came from, or why stories of him living were told if it wasn't true, but I admire him, fiction or not. I don't know if I can honestly say I accept him as my "personal Savior", but I would definitely like to live by his example. Am I making sense? It would be like if I were to follow Buddha's teachings- I don't actually believe in Buddha as a god, but since I live by his teachings, I would consider myself a Buddhist. As for the gray areas (Mary, the Holy Spirit, the Saints, icons, etc.), I'm not really sure where I stand. I've basically just detached myself, although I still have some crosses and things that I just can't bring myself to put away just yet. As for praying through anyone, I prefer dealing directly with God, though I did always feel I had a connection with Mary, so that was hard to let go of at first.


Now. My idea of God is what has been bugging me. I read a quote by Lisa Williams that said, "I'm the world's least happy atheist. I miss having religious faith, but having it seems like trying to be in love with someone you're not in love with." And the same goes for me and agnosticism, word for word. I was very happy in the church until I started thinking for myself. But I am a true agnostic, in every sense. I have slowly entered a doubt that I've realized I will never leave, which is ok for some people, but it drives me INSANE. I have a naturally curious mind, and I always want concrete answers, even when they can't be provided. I've made myself crazy over this a lot in the past.

I was always positive of God's existence in the past, but I'm obviously now skeptical. All of the evidence I had now seems trivial. And I feel as though I've gotten as much proof as I ever will get, so my belief is more of a personally embedded thought. Since I can't prove His existence, I've started looking in the other direction: disproving it. So far, none of what I've read or watched has changed my mind. It's all been very interesting, and I probably couldn't have watched it without getting angry two years ago, but I still am not convinced. All it's done is open my mind to possibility. So I will never be swayed either way- at least it seems that way.

I could never go back to that blind faith, because I've seen reason, and I'm not so ignorant as to just throw all that away and pretend it's not there. But I can't discount the possibility, either- no matter how much science or math you throw at me, how logical it is, how far away from the church I become, or even how far away from God I become, I don't think i can ever truly believe there is no God. But why? It's not ignorance, because if so then I wouldn't even be open to discussion or other options. Maybe it's partly the need to believe. And I won't deny that it's partly my own human weakness, which I'm not ashamed of. Maybe it's that I've believed for so long, that it's just stuck there. But really, I think it's just this: How can you disprove something that doesn't even reside in this world, or have a true definition? For example, it's easy to prove Santa doesn't exist, because he's defined as a big guy in a red suit who comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve with presents while you're sleeping. Works for a while, until you catch your parents doing it instead of him. How do I know my "answered prayers" really are just coincidences? God apparently says he doesn't want to prove himself to us, because we need to believe without proof, so there wouldn't be any scientific evidence if He was real. Even if you can define the biblical God and disprove Him, there still might be a being out there. Because there's no definition to disprove. There's no way we could catch someone else in the act, or find out what really happened back when the Bible was written.

You can technically prove to me that Jesus didn't physically walk the Earth, and that the Bible is full of contradictions, and you can even prove that the biblical God is a sham, but you can't prove to me that there in no higher power at all. I just look at the world, and it's so big and wonderful, so beautiful, intricately made. I look at our bodies, and they are so perfect, function so well to help heal minor illnesses and digest foods and do simple things like taste and smell, so we can experience this beautiful world. It's so hard to believe it all happened on its own. I honestly don't think I ever will. I will keep trying to understand, because my mind just works that way. I always seek answers, I never can accept "I don't know." So I'm incredibly agnostic, and I will be miserable that way, unless I can find a way not to be miserable. I will probably always be agnostic. I just can't accept either side fully.

So what should I do? I'm constantly praying, and sometimes I wonder if it's pointless and feel foolish, but mainly I feel peaceful- it can't be pointless, because it calms me, whether there's a God or not. It makes me feel like everything will be ok. So, I don't want to let go of God. I get too much good, and have gotten too much good in the past from Him, or at least the idea of Him. But maybe I should become more independent, for lack of a better word. Sort of, see God as an energy rather than an all powerful being. When I left the church, one of my reasons was that I was tired of always questioning whether or not what I was doing was right in the big scheme of things.. I was always so concerned with my "path", that I obsessed about not straying from it. I simply wanted to stop caring and just live my life. I just wanted to get to the point where I didn't even think about it anymore. Just woke up, went about my day, went to sleep. Quiet. But if I keep praying to the Catholic God, or even to just a personified God, it will feel like I'm asking for guidance, and the all too familiar "voice of reason" will probably invade my thoughts a lot. Maybe I should let prayer turn into meditation. And let God be the trust I have that things won't just go to shit. Lately, I've had complete trust in Him to keep me going and keep me sane, and that's what's gotten me by, but maybe I can turn Him into that trust itself, a certain strength. Because I've obviously made it this far, so I can make it further.

And most importantly, I think I should stop seeking answers so fiercely and instead start trying to accept that I simply won't find them, or won't be satisfied with them. I've got a long way to go to finding peace, but I'm determined, dammit.
I like this quote, feel like it suites the situation:

"The sense of spiritual relief, which comes from rejecting the idea of God as a supernatural being, is enormous." -Julian Huxley

I just need to define my idea of God and accept it.

Thanks for "helping".

One thing I might mention: I have Bipolar Disorder. There's a point to mentioning that, though.
A long time ago, before I was diagnosed, I was going through a rough time.. I was in a major depression, wanted to kill myself, etc. I had just lost a couple friends due to my own issues and I was feeling sorry for myself, so I went on over to the chapel and wrote some pitiful entries in the community prayer journal we keep there. And I probably sat there and moped and sobbed for a good while, I'm pretty positive I posted a facebook status about how miserable I was and how I just needed some contact, a hug, something. Yea, it was ridiculous.
So at some point, a friend of mine comes in and goes up to the front and prays a rosary. So I waited for him, and he came over to me when he was done, offered to talk, gave me a hug.. I felt like my prayers had been answered. Of course, this particular person and I were radically different.. He was insanely conservative, and I had started to "rebel" and move away from the Catholic norm at that point. He hated my tattoos and piercings, he commented on how my hair was always changing colors, and it seemed like he had this holier than thou attitude that I could never get past. We had definitely butted heads before. But he was there, and I needed someone.
So we start talking, and I tell him how alone I feel, and I tell him about how I think I'm bipolar but can't do anything about it because I can't afford therapy or anything, etc. And he sits and listens for a long, long time before I'm finally done. Then he starts.
He tells me about the Pieta Prayer book, and all the things in it. He tells me how powerful the Rosary is. He tells me how wonderful daily mass is, how it strengthens you. He tells me all the ways you can learn more about Catholicism.
Now tell me, how the fuck does that comfort or help me at all? All I needed was a hug, an ear, someone to listen to me cry and vent. I didn't need or want a spiritual counselor. And God isn't medicine, he can't cure my mental disorder, hate to tell you, boo.
And that isn't the first time he tries to push shit like that on me or other people, either. He's constantly writing little suggestions in the prayer journal for books to read, things to do, what mystery of the rosary to pray today. He doesn't ever get personal, try to be helpful. Just makes suggestions. Often the same ones over and over. And I can't shake the feeling that he has some need to earn credits.. not to help people just to help them, but to know that he's the one doing it.
It sickens me when Christians spread the word because they want points. That's the vibe I keep getting from him. Not telling me cause he genuinely wants me to feel better, but because he wants to be the one to tell me. And he wants to know that I went and did what he said. It's like he's afraid of damnation for me instead of just for himself. He gave me a prayer book not long after he told me all that. There's a fine line between telling someone how you found peace so maybe they can apply it and see if it works, and telling them how they should do things so that they can find peace, and saying it as though it's the only way to go about it. People are different, we find our happiness in different ways, and as it turns out, daily mass didn't work for me. Rosaries didn't work for me. Church didn't work for me. And the Pieta prayer book definitely didn't work for me.. I gave it to an old lady I met at a nursing home I worked at, and she absolutely loved it and told me so every time I saw her.. seeing the joy in her eyes made me happier than all the mass and books and church in the world could've ever made me. If I could always do things for people just to see that joy, I would live my life to the fullest and die happy. I don't mean to sound vain, but if you were to judge me solely by that quality and by my slowly developing agnosticism, how could you say I'm going to hell simply because I don't have the blind faith that Christians have? It's all so flawed.
I used to have this screwed up logic that God controlled everything in my life. Literally, everything. I thought that when I got more hours at work, it was because I had prayed for it. Not because I was smart enough to call work and tell them I was looking for a another job since I wasn't getting enough hours, which in turn made them give me more hours. And then I felt like I had to be on my best behavior, because if I did anything wrong, if I defied God in any way, he might just take away those hours. I honestly believed that. And when I started straying from the "rules", like I always do, I started getting worried. Every single time I thought I got something from God, I thought I had to be good to keep it. And every single time, I went back to how I've always been, flawed and human, because that's who I am. And a lot of times I did lose what I had. But of course it wasn't God taking it away. It was the natural process of life.. You gain, you lose. At one point, I was so mindfucked and confused because God has supposedly given me everything I could've asked for.. fulltime hours at work, an amazing boyfriend, and an overall sense of joy and peace within myself. And just like that, my patient died, my boyfriend ended up being a needy, clingy idiot who couldn't survive without a relationship and had no original thoughts, and the fact that I had lapsed in my medication for a few months came back full swing and I had a severe melt down, complete with serious suicidal thoughts and everything. I didn't understand why God took it all away, because I was so happy. It took me damn near forever to realize that 1. I don't need to have stuff to be happy. 2. God didn't give me that stuff to begin with. 3. He didn't take it away. It just happened. There wasn't some deep meaning or reason behind it. It just happened.
Jeez. I think back to all the delusions I've held in the past and it almost makes me sick. And I think back to all the times I've been told something was wrong and I believed it before forming my own opinion. And then I went out and argued against it. The times I argued with atheists, the stupid arguments I used, the ones they make fun of. The time I felt sad and sickened when my friend decided he believed in Materialism, hoped he would find the church again, wondered how he could fall away from something he had once loved so deeply. Faulted him for it. Still cared about him, but faulted him. If religion can do that to someone, brainwash them.. I want nothing to do with it.
"I have no need for religion, I have a conscience."
-Anonymous

What's right?

So, what if I was born into Buddhism? Or Hinduism? Or Judaism? That would feel right to me, it would be right to everyone around me. Right? That would be the right religion. It would feel right to me, it would feel like my god is telling me to stay there. So how could I ever know that Christianity is the right religion? So I just, by chance, was born into the right religion? How is that even possible? Just cause I was born into it, just cause half of the people there were born into it, it's right? Forget all the reasons anyone else converts to it. Maybe someone tells them it's right, maybe they need something and the comfort is there, the people are there, at the exact time they need it. Catholicism is so known for their holier than thou fucking attitude. It's the right religion, with all it's traditions, it's bread and body, it's icons, it's terrible past that no one there seems to want to see.. the corruption. The huge, beautiful buildings and churches in Rome that could feed so many if they were sold. But does anyone ever realize how many people are just born into it and never leave cause they don't care enough to try anything else, or question it's validity? It's all bullshit. There are Catholics who care so little that they stay, and noncatholics who care so much that they leave. Why is that? Why be a Catholic your whole life if you don't give a shit? I'd much rather be around a nonbeliever who cared enough to look into things and discover his take on the world than be around a Christian who doesn't even care enough to ask who Christ is, what he was like, and if he existed. They'd be surprised to find out that he's nothing like what a lot of them are like. They're too scared that maybe there's something scary in truth, so they stay in ignorance. Comfort.

Questioning is SACRED. And if you question, you'll find answers that maybe you don't want to see. But it's so much better than not knowing anything. I question everything, because that's what we should do. Why do atheists know more of our bible than we do? They study it, question it. A lot of us take advantage of it. But to them, it's a tool. It's funny how much more useful it is to them.

Doubting is a way of life. It's human nature to doubt, we will always doubt, so why wouldn't we doubt a higher power? It's one of the most unbelievable things in this world. When we see a magic trick, we ask how it works. Look at the teachings of the church. It's all magic tricks. Water into mine. Multiplying fish. Curing incurable diseases. Raising the dead. Ask how they work, please. I feel so much happier being open minded about such things. I've been doubting for so long and never wanted to acknowledge it for fear of finding something I didn't want to see.
"And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity to be offended by those who doubt His existence." -Bertrand Russell

Here's what I think. So long ago, things like gravity couldn't be explained. There had to be a reason things stayed on the ground, right? There had to be a reason we came into existence, right? Oh, someone else must have done it. A higher power, a God. And then science came along and said that gravity kept things on the ground. And that evolution brought things into existence. Even though religious people will still argue that it was creation until they die. Men lost their faith over those findings. Because it shook the foundation of religion. But science didn't kill religion. It didn't make religion impossible, because how can you prove something's nonexistence if it's got the majority of the world following it already? No, it made irreligion possible. It made it possible to see that there are explanations other than a higher power. I believe I got that from the Steven Weinberg segment of the Atheism Tapes. No one can be blamed for coming up with their own ideas.

I appreciate my idea of God much more than I ever appreciated the bible's view of God, or the church's view of God. I don't want to be afraid of God or feel like I have to be something or act a certain way to please him. He's just there, when I need him, he sees me as I am, loves me as I am, and if I ever were to doubt he was there, he probably wouldn't mind. He would still be there, he is unconditional love.

If every other religion is wrong, and everyone but Christians are damned, that just sucks. I mean really, that's stupid. And I just don't subscribe to that belief. So I have to believe that the important thing in life is to live a good life. But if every religion is right and the important thing is to believe in something, then shouldn't our higher power be what we want it to be, individually? If we need comfort to get us through life, then how can we find comfort in something we don't necessarily like? Regardless, there is no important thing. Life is just life. It's not about anything. You just live it, and then die. All you should really care about is being as comfortable as you can while you're here. If you die and you go no where but in the ground, then your memory lives on, don't be selfish and wish for a second life. If you die and go somewhere.. well fuck, we'll see what happens then. I honestly don't believe God is so cruel as to send a truly good person to hell for eternity simply because he listened to logic and asked questions and did research and did what felt right to him, and the result was that he lost faith. I'm just gonna go ahead and live life, do good cause I want to and not cause I'm trying to win a prize or get in good with the boss, and I'll see what happens in the end. Fuck it.

Oh and another thing that bothers me: atheist and agnostic people have morals. Religion didn't invent morality. We don't have to "borrow" it from God. We can have it ourselves. Atheists aren't all just pieces of shit who sit around plotting murder and raping women. They aren't all whores or drug addicts or alcoholics. I actually know a lot of Christians who do worse things and pretend they don't. That's so, so much more terrible. Don't deny who you are for a god and a stupid book of rules. You will never find happiness that way.

I believe in God, because I choose to believe in God.. there's a certain sense of calm in that for me, and I give my troubles to him each day, every time I feel out of place or out of control, I close my eyes and remember he's there if I want him to be, always will be, and I'm calm. But I'm not denying that it could have all been something man made up to explain what he didn't understand. Look at all the other religions of the world, all the other gods. We're all atheists to those gods. How do we know we picked the right one? And if your argument is that it's just a comfort to know that there's a second life, that there's a being looking out for us, guiding us.. maybe we don't all need that comfort, and maybe we should stop looking down on those who don't. Who are we to say what gives people peace, how they should live? Stop hoping they find something, start asking if you're just following the herd. Do what makes you happy, what gives you peace, not what people tell you will make you happy. If church is it, hey, that's cool. It's not for me, but I'm not one to try to change anyone's opinions. The thing that makes me disrespect and dislike religion in general, besides the personal reasons, the stuff that made me leave, is the wars it's caused and how it makes its members think they can judge those who choose not to live the way they live. Faith causes people to do things they wouldn't do normally, because they think God is telling them to do it. That doesn't mean I disrespect people who choose to go to church, as long as they still respect me and anyone else who has differing beliefs. I still really love everyone from my church, and miss them terribly. And I respect them for doing what they do, putting so much time and effort into everything and being so faithful. Some of them are the best people I know, the most caring and most beautiful people I've met. Those people are how religious people should be.. too many people think they can judge. And if church is what makes people happy, what feels right, then they should stay there. But keep in mind, what feels like god saying what's right might just be years and years of thinking that's what's right.

"Life is good. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid."
-Marcus Aurelius

Feels real.

First day of not going to church, it feels more real. I feel pretty good now.. I mean there's still conflicting feelings but I still feel good. There's still lingering catholic conscience telling me I'm making the wrong decision, but the rest of me is telling me this feels incredibly right, run with it. So that is exactly what I'm doing.

Told the parents.

The parents know now too, told em last night, and in a way the reaction was better than I thought and in a way, worse. I didn't expect the complete submission, which was nice, I didn't feel like another grill session attempting to change my mind.. But there was this tone of disgust there from my dad I almost didn't expect, I mean I didn't even expect to have to tell my dad to be honest, he doesn't notice shit. But when I told my mom she said I should tell him. I timed it all 20 minutes before I had to leave for work.. Nice little strategy. Of course, they kept talking even when I said I had to leave and I was almost late. But anyway, you'd think it would've been easier.. You know, I'm 21.. This shouldn't be this fucking difficult right? Wrong. I wove myself into that church and everyone around my saw it, including my parents. They're heartbroken. Heartbroken? Cause I'm leaving a church? To find peace within myself? They don't understand. But that's how it'll always be. My dad bitched at me for telling the choir I was having trouble with my belief in a lot of the church's teachings and stuff. Literally got pissed at me, because he said I shouldn't burn bridges. So I'm supposed to lie instead? Ok. So then he goes on to tell me all his other opinions, how he stopped going to church but he never questioned god, which number one, I hadn't once said I didn't believe in god, and number two, if you question something and your faith remains after, is it not then stronger? Of course I question god, I have to. I question everything, because if I don't, then I'm following something blindly. I don't believe in that anymore. So then the last thing I hated was that he blamed one of the most wonderful things in my life for the "change", said he was a bad influence, said he was afraid I would get hurt.. I understand the concern, but that's what hurts me. I put my trust in someone after a long time of forgetting trust, because this person is te opposite of lies and deceit to me, and he always encourages me to think for myself, come up with my own ideas. And my dad thinks he's the problem. Of course, that's the first way he would think. Well, I have one person left to tell- the youth minister. Anyone after that doesn't absolutely need to know. Then I can start my journey to finding my fucking self. Without this burden.

Free.

Feeling better today. I feel better able to just put shit behind me now. The two hours of grilling from last night is starting to fade away, things are going back to normal, but I feel free. My mind is emptied, I can be the one to fill it now. Went to the chapel.. It's where I go to gain some calm. And every time I go, I feel more calm than before. Like just this overwhelming sense that everything will be ok.

On another note, just watched Naked Lunch.. What the fuck.

Done.

I officially left the fuckin catholic church tonight. Man. It feels good. But fuckin horrible. But GOOD. I feel so fuckin free. I went in there, fuckin sure, you know? I'm fucking doing this. Nothing will stop me, I made my decisions and it was MINE, no one is fucking changing it. I made my own fucking decision for once. Because damn they tried. And I respected that, god they care.. It hurt me. To hurt them like that, cause they truly think I'm doing something bad. And they love me so much that it hurts them. So they tried, hard, harder than I thought they would, and it sucked, and eventually I just stopped talking, and several times I second guessed myself, but my mind just kept saying "no, fuck this, you made your own decisions, stick to it." and I fucking did, first time ever. I don't remember the last time I stood up for my own decision, didn't let myself be swayed.

Doesn't change the fact that this fucking hurts. Hard.
My support group.. Fucking gone.
Nothing will ever be the same.

But shit, something had to change.

Getting through the miserable

I'm fucking miserable. But I can remember a lot of times being fucking miserable at the church and sticking with it and eventually balancing out. Sometimes I was just not fucking happy, I knew I had to turn to god to make shit better but man, all I wanted was to turn the fuck away. But even that felt empty. And now part of my instincts are telling me to run the fuck back to the catholic church faster than ever before, but that feels wrong and I can't make myself do it. Going the other way feels empty as fuck but I know it'll balance out. I'm so lost and I feel so fucking out of place, it's insane, but going back to the church won't make it better, it'll make it worse. I tasted these waters, I'll be lost until I swim in them.

I hate the real reasons I'm fucking miserable, but I'm not gonna talk about that in detail. I just feel like it's all falling apart, this plan, like it's all stupid and I should just give up and do what everyone has always expcecyed of me. Why did I ever dream of being fucking different? I feel fucking alone, and I'm relying too much on one person to make me happy and I hate it.

And sometimes I just need to get shit out, so that's all.

Absolutely positive.

Today, I meditated for some time in the chapel, and I got some answers that I guess I've been unsure about. It's like I've been pretty sure, but I still am fucking terrified. But I've never been more sure in my entire life of anything after today, I'm leaving the Catholic church. I'm absolutely fucking positive. It's like this wave of peace just came over me, calm and surety just took over, I know this is right. I've never been more sure. Everything afterward comes afterward, I can't worry about it now. Fuck it, I don't want to care anymore. I'm tired of questioning myself all the time. I just need to live my fucking life.

In other news, some kid gets into this fucking Wiener guy's twitter and posts a crotch pic, and some republican asshole is like GUYS WE NEED TO INVESTIGATE THIS SHIT WHY IS REP WIENER BEING SO CALM?? HE MUST HAVE DONE IT.
It's fucking twitter, calm down. I mean really. You'd think you're like 17 years old.

That's all.

Uncle Ben

I just hid my facebook wall, and I'm not as lost as I thought I might be, although I do need space to vent.
I've written in my journal much more than normal, which is probably better than flooding my friends' facebook feed with pointless statuses. As for this blog, it's mainly for myself, too.
Forgive me, anyone who reads this, for the language.. Might as well start off that way. I'm like Deb from Dexter, which is coincidental now that I say it, because I swear I saw Trinity crossing the street earlier today. He had the creepy overly friendly sociopath smile and everything. Anyway, just something on my mind. Wanted to share:

"Dig, if you’re willing, this picture: a tiny town with a tight-knit community. The people share joys and concerns, woes and gossip. They keep a close and often affectionate watch on one another’s business. They talk and talk and talk.
What an outsider would notice within minutes of listening in on conversations are constant and slightly self-conscious references to “Uncle Ben.” A beautiful sunset prompts a townsperson to say, “Isn’t Uncle Ben awesome?” Good news brings out how thankful and overjoyed they feel toward Uncle Ben. Even in tragedy, a local might say, in a slightly nervous fashion, “You know, it just goes to show how much we all need Uncle Ben. I know — we all know — that Uncle Ben is good.”
Uncle Ben is always on their minds.
Even when the magnificence of Uncle Ben isn’t spoken of aloud, he’s somehow present in facial expressions and actions. It’s the look of stopping a train of thought before it goes too far, of letting an uncompleted sentence trail off into awkward silence, of swiftly changing the subject. It’s as if a conversation can go only so far. People hardly ever look one another in the eye for long.
At the beginning of each week there’s a meeting in the largest house in town. Upon arriving, people get caught up in good fellowship and animated discussion of the week’s events, with conversations straining in the direction of Uncle Ben. When a bell sounds, talk ceases. Everyone moves to the staircase and descends into the basement. Each person sits facing an enormous, rumbling furnace. Seated close to the furnace door, as if he were a part of the furnace itself, is a giant man in black overalls. His back is turned to them. They wait in silence.
In time the man turns around. His face is angry, contorted. He fixes a threatening stare of barely contained rage on each person, then roars, “Am I good?” To which they respond in unison, “Yes, Uncle Ben, you are good.”
“Am I worthy of praise?”
“You alone are worthy of our praise.”
“Do you love me more than anything? More than anyone?”
“We love you and you alone, Uncle Ben.”
“You better love me, or I’m going to put you . . . in here” —he opens the furnace door to reveal a gaping darkness — “forever.”
Out of the darkness can be heard sounds of anguish and lament. Then he closes the furnace door and turns his back to them. They sit in silence.
Finally, feeling reasonably assured that Uncle Ben has finished saying what he has to say, they leave. They live their lives as best they can. They try to think and speak truthfully and do well by one another. They resume their talk of the wonders of Uncle Ben’s love in anticipation of the next week’s meeting.
But they’re limited, in myriad ways, by fear. Fear causes them to censor their own thoughts and words. Fear prevents them from telling anyone of their inner anguish and fright. Fear keeps them from recognizing in one another’s eyes their common desperation. This fear is interwoven, subtly and sometimes not so subtly, in all of their relationships.
End of story."
From The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark

I don't know about any of you, but I don't fucking want my God to be Uncle Ben. I don't ever want to submit to a God like that, I don't care what the consequence is. I want to love my God because I love him, not because I'm afraid of hellfire. And because I make him that way, he is that way. I don't fucking FEAR him, I let him accept me, I trust him, I let him hold me and love me. He is so accepting, he is pure love, how do people not know that? How do people do all the daily motions simply because they're afraid of going to hell? What a piece of shit life, what a life I don't ever want to live. The church is my crutch, it's how I've always gotten my God fix, it's where I've always seen my future. In the church. I don't need a crutch, though. I don't want a crutch. I want to tear away everything I've known and start over, not know where I'm going but like it because it's exciting. I don't want my life to be fucking predictable anymore. I always saw myself in the church for the rest of my life, I didn't see how I would ever even move away from this state without hurting because of the people I love at church. It's hindering me. I saw myself with a good Catholic man, with the same values and morals as me.. the same values and morals I find myself questioning now. Because it's not so much about what I do in my spare time than it is about how I live my life, how I treat people. I saw myself getting married, having kids, trying hard to teach them those same morals. I saw myself trying to reach out through music, where I am now. That's all gone, because I can't stay where I am.. The good Catholic man, I can't stand the thought of him anymore, because I'd rather find a free thinking open minded man and not marry him because I want to settle down and have children but because I love him so much and with so much of my heart that the only thing left is to get married. Settling down, I could never do such a thing so soon, I still have so much to do, to think about, and I have an entire fucking future to live now. It's an empty fucking canvas for me to paint now. I control the shit! I fully trust that everything ends up the way it should. The music is hardest, I have nothing to do anymore.. But I find something else. I pave my way. I find things to occupy my time in the mean time.

I have a feeling that this will be harder than it seems, it's like breaking up with someone you thought you'd be with forever.. but I'm realizing now that this relationship was severely unhealthy. I was staying here because I was comfortable, scared to think of an empty future, not because I was happy. I have to break up with the church, I might be fucking miserable sometimes, but I will be happier. I know I will. I can't stand doing this anymore.

So this is what's going on.
Agnosticism is looking wonderful.