Tuesday, July 19, 2011


So tonight, a friend of mine randomly texted me and asked if I'm happy. I replied without hesitation, "Yea, incredibly happy, why do you ask?" and he said he was just wondering, because he cares and asked what the source of my happiness is. I was automatically suspicious honestly, still am.. Seems like everyone has been concerned with my happiness and well being since my beliefs changed, and it can't be a coincidence. I don't want pity, and I especially don't want concern where it's not needed.. For anyone to think that enlightenment and self realization is reason for unhappiness is insane and disappointing. So I replied, "Confidence in myself and who I am. Sense of peace with however life will turn out and, and trust that I will make it through whatever hardships are thrown at me. Lack of judgement toward others, thus lack of judgement toward myself. Lots of self realization." and he said he would pray for me. Whatever my beliefs are, however much I doubt, however different my idea of god may be than the catholic or christian god, general prayer is always appreciated and accepted. But if someone is praying for me because he thinks I'm going through a tough time because of my lack of religion, he should save his prayers.

Anyway, I thanked him regardless, and that was that. But I was thinking, it was easy for me to come up with the source of my happiness when it wouldn't have been before. I'm trying to figure out why, exactly. A lot of times, I put my happiness solely on god. Like, if I was happy, it was because of god and whatever graces he was providing or our relationship. It's good to rely on myself for happiness now. It seemed to be pretty up and down before. I didn't really know who I was, so I couldn't be happy.

If someone were to ask me if I was happy, I usually would've hesitated and said something like, "most of the time." and that's true now too, to an extent. Of course I'm not always happy, but I'm generally content with life, and I know that that's good enough. I don't have to hesitate, and that in and of itself makes me a happier person, just having that positive outlook.

I'm comfortable with myself, and I'm not so concerned with fixing people. Just letting that go helped a fuckload.

It's not really a question of whether or not I'm happy, cause I know I am, and it's my opinion that matters. Someone who looks at me might think I'm not.. Sometimes I might party a bit too hard, and I've pretty much rejected the standard idea of a relationship, but those are things that can be changed.. I'm still young. The question is more how I shifted to this state.

There's something about being care free that has been amazing.. I've literally never been care free before. I'm just not concerned with things that don't matter anymore.

I don't care about the rest. I don't care about anyone who thinks I'm digging myself a grave. If I am, then I'll get myself out of it. Everything is good, knowing that is the key to being happy. Relying on myself for hope and knowledge of what's right and wrong makes me stronger, makes me feel better about my character. That, in turn, makes me more content.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, and I just sort of happened upon your blog. I want to comment just to let you know I'm experiencing a similar thing. The most terrifying part of transitioning from belief (I was raised reformed baptist) to non-belief is that deeply alienating feeling. All of my closest friends and my family are Christians, and I can't share my experience with them. I get really excited by some aspects of my non-belief, but these things that excite me would only crush them. It's surreal.

    I've felt a constant need to defend my non-belief, and it does bother me that any time I feel show pain from this experience (because it has alienated me from people I love), it causes my friends and family to think I am simply grieved because I no longer believe in the power of God.

    Fortunately, I moved to a new place so there aren't expectations of me to continue involvement in any churches. I can only imagine how strange that must be.

    So yeah, just wanted to let you know I get it, and I am sorry that I'm not the only one finding this hard to deal with. I hope things are getting better for you.

    I blog over at http://thekatiejones.net in case you ever want some solidarity.