Conflicted

So I just got an email about youth group. My heart kind of skipped a beat when I saw the youth director's email address in the inbox.. I hadn't gotten around to telling her I wouldn't be involved in youth group this fall. But the email actually worked in my favor.. And still made me sad for some reason.

Apparently the youth group is being transformed. To me, it sounds like they're getting rid of it. It seems like it's just gonna die out eventually. And the current youth directors are stepping down because they don't feel they have the time to put in for that change. Apparently there won't be Sunday night meetings anymore, they're just associating it into Religious Ed classes. And adding a 12th grade class for after confirmation, which I think is kinda bullshit.. That won't do very well, I'm sure. So it takes care of my problem, I don't have to tell anyone anything about youth group, because there will be no more meetings that I need to help with, but I feel conflicted. I actually feel like I want things to still work for them. I still care about the young people there.

Some girl called me the other night about starting an adult group and maybe doing bible study and stuff.. Apparently I had talked to a deacon a while back about wanting to do that and he gave out my number. But that must have been when I had a shit load of free time. I actually considered doing it, because I could use some bible study, honestly. I don't know enough about the bible. I would just have a hard time because eventually I'd have to be honest with them about my beliefs. But I honestly just don't have time. I don't know when I'd be able to do it. And now I want to do it even more now that youth group is gone. I hate that I'm gonna have to call this girl back and tell her I can't do it.. She sounded so eager.

Anyway, just felt like writing. It's like part of me feels pulled back, but I know if I was there I would just feel depressed. Youth group was half of what I wanted so badly to build up and be really involved in, and now it's all different and I wouldn't be able to be as involved. There's nothing there for me anymore except for the music, and I'm finally starting to get over missing that so much. And the people, of course.. Nothing will ever replace them. But I can't go back just for companionship.