So I haven't written in a while.. I guess I've been trying to gather my thoughts. I've written a couple things in my journal, but nothing I felt compelled to blog. I even wrote some things I meant to blog, but I ended up deciding I didn't want to. A lot has happened in my mind since I last wrote anything here.. I couldn't possibly write it all down, nor would anyone want to hear it all. In short, I think I'm becoming happier with each passing day. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with my weird moods clouding up how I really feel, but I've got a handle on things, it seems.
Basically, I'll try to summarize a couple of the things I've realized.
I don't think I'm living the wrong way. I don't feel guilty each day. I am not breaking my own moral code. But if I am ever to break any habits that I have right now, it should be for myself, not because I think I should for God. That's the key. Whether or not it's wrong, if I ever do feel the need to change any of my habits, it shouldn't be for anyone but myself.
"Wrong" is completely subjective, anyway. There is no one truth in life, there are a lot of subjective truths. My truth is that I'm content living exactly the way I'm living, and the next guy's truth is that he's happy going to church and finding answers there. There is not one correcy way to live, each person is different, and each person finds a different way to survive. THAT is the ultimate truth.
I'm pretty positive the long depression is over, finally. Glad for that. I think I know what was making it worse, and I've been able to let it go instead of holding onto it and letting it fester. I don't feel so much like something is missing anymore, and I feel like things will eventually come together. But instead of looking ahead and trying to make sure things come together, I'm trying to just focus on now, getting through these next few months and years.
I was driving in my car the other day listening to music, and something in the lyrics struck me, and a thought popped into my head.. it was something like, "You just need to find something to live for again.. Something that you love more than anything." and I thought about it for a second, thought about how I lived for God and singing with the church and doing things with the youth group, and what I could find to live for now that all that was gone, and several things ran through my head.. And all that lasted about 1 minute, maybe less. Then I rejected the thought, because I realized that if I find something new to live for just to replace the old, then I'm letting myself down. Gotta do for myself.. Be what I want to be. And if I find something that I love in the process, great. But really, for now, I just have to focus on letting me be my own guide.
Random note, I sang at a wedding not long ago and realized how much I missed singing. My plan is to record a cd and get it out to a couple wedding coordinators.. I'd get my music fix and it would solve some financial problems I'll have once I go back to school. So I'm definitely hoping that works out.
Other than that, I'm working on a project that'll eventually require publishing if it gets that far, but even just being productive feels good, whether or not it's successful. I actually wrote the beginnings of a song, first one in a few months at least, so that feels good. I've lost some weight, and people have noticed, which feels really great. Got new clothes as a reward to myself. I officially re-enrolled for school in the fall.. All I have to do now is get all my shit with finger prints, drug testing, physicals, and all that taken care of and get my classes scheduled. I'll be going back full time.. It'll feel good to be busy all the time again and have a normal schedule.
So everything is settling down, I guess. Not so many church people on my back. I can talk to them without feeling guilty. It'll probably take a bit for me to stop feeling like I let them down, cause the ones from my band probably do feel that way, but I think it'll work out. I love those people too much to let them slip out of my life just because we don't believe the same thing.
Well, that's about it. I wish I could better describe how it feels in my head.. Rather than up and down, it feels like a constant climb. Or like I'm just floating on the surface. I much prefer it that way, actually. While there isn't any high, no delirious happiness, it also doesn't feel like there's much low, either. It doesn't feel like when I do sink, I could crash hard like I've done in the past. At first it was uncomfortable, but I've gotten used to it.
Basically, when I close my eyes and think of something I could possibly wish for to make things easier or to make me happier right now, I come up with nothing.