Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'm a bad person.

Saw a guy from my band today at Toys R Us, where he apparently works.. I was struck by just how much I miss him. He's one of those people who's just a genuinely good person, who really grows on you. He's a good kid. Really. Anyway, he wasn't there when I originally told the band, so I never heard his opinion on it. For some reason, I got this idea in my head that he wasn't happy with me about it.. But I've been paranoid about everyone in the church, basically. Any little message or comment from one of them seems like a conviction. In reality, most of them don't even know for sure. I care too much. Anyway, he asked me about it, told me that they had told him, and then told me that they had pretty much made me sound like a bad person. I mean I guess I expected that but it still bugs me. And pisses me off a little. I mean I guess I'm not exactly the best "role model", and I always was a pretty big image in that sense, so they probably can't just be like "well, she left so she could pursue happiness." but it still hurts a little. But he said he understood and that he kinda felt the same way about the church. And it just made me respect him even more. This is a kid I could maintain a real friendship with outside of church if we were close to begin with. He sees that I'm still who I always was. I miss my people and my music, it hit me yesterday when I was practicing for a wedding with a girl from the band.. I miss singing with her and talking to her and just being around her. And man, I miss singing, period. I haven't found another outlet yet, and it's not easy. Just gotta keep looking. Can't let that go.
Also, I got a phone call from a guy who wants to "lend an ear" if I ever need to talk about my "struggles". Couldn't bring myself to call him back. Apparently he heard I was going through a "hard time" and wanted to be a friend. Because everyone falls in their faith sometimes, he said. That's sweet, except I'm not really going through a hard time. If you wanna be a friend then don't try to get me to come back, just hang out with me like shit is normal.
That's all.

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