First of all, I do pray a good bit, if you could call it that. Usually, it's a mixture of talking to myself or journaling and then meditating, but with God in mind- it's my way of maintaining calm. I'm not really a Christian like people in the "Christian community" are- the church goers, the ones who celebrate Easter and all that. I don't trust the Bible, I have no idea if there's an afterlife, I question God's (and Satan's) existence, and I certainly do not doubt that there has been sufficient evidence disproving the existence of any "historical Jesus" who physically walked the Earth. I don't know where the idea of Jesus came from, or why stories of him living were told if it wasn't true, but I admire him, fiction or not. I don't know if I can honestly say I accept him as my "personal Savior", but I would definitely like to live by his example. Am I making sense? It would be like if I were to follow Buddha's teachings- I don't actually believe in Buddha as a god, but since I live by his teachings, I would consider myself a Buddhist. As for the gray areas (Mary, the Holy Spirit, the Saints, icons, etc.), I'm not really sure where I stand. I've basically just detached myself, although I still have some crosses and things that I just can't bring myself to put away just yet. As for praying through anyone, I prefer dealing directly with God, though I did always feel I had a connection with Mary, so that was hard to let go of at first.
Now. My idea of God is what has been bugging me. I read a quote by Lisa Williams that said, "I'm the world's least happy atheist. I miss having religious faith, but having it seems like trying to be in love with someone you're not in love with." And the same goes for me and agnosticism, word for word. I was very happy in the church until I started thinking for myself. But I am a true agnostic, in every sense. I have slowly entered a doubt that I've realized I will never leave, which is ok for some people, but it drives me INSANE. I have a naturally curious mind, and I always want concrete answers, even when they can't be provided. I've made myself crazy over this a lot in the past.
I was always positive of God's existence in the past, but I'm obviously now skeptical. All of the evidence I had now seems trivial. And I feel as though I've gotten as much proof as I ever will get, so my belief is more of a personally embedded thought. Since I can't prove His existence, I've started looking in the other direction: disproving it. So far, none of what I've read or watched has changed my mind. It's all been very interesting, and I probably couldn't have watched it without getting angry two years ago, but I still am not convinced. All it's done is open my mind to possibility. So I will never be swayed either way- at least it seems that way.
I could never go back to that blind faith, because I've seen reason, and I'm not so ignorant as to just throw all that away and pretend it's not there. But I can't discount the possibility, either- no matter how much science or math you throw at me, how logical it is, how far away from the church I become, or even how far away from God I become, I don't think i can ever truly believe there is no God. But why? It's not ignorance, because if so then I wouldn't even be open to discussion or other options. Maybe it's partly the need to believe. And I won't deny that it's partly my own human weakness, which I'm not ashamed of. Maybe it's that I've believed for so long, that it's just stuck there. But really, I think it's just this: How can you disprove something that doesn't even reside in this world, or have a true definition? For example, it's easy to prove Santa doesn't exist, because he's defined as a big guy in a red suit who comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve with presents while you're sleeping. Works for a while, until you catch your parents doing it instead of him. How do I know my "answered prayers" really are just coincidences? God apparently says he doesn't want to prove himself to us, because we need to believe without proof, so there wouldn't be any scientific evidence if He was real. Even if you can define the biblical God and disprove Him, there still might be a being out there. Because there's no definition to disprove. There's no way we could catch someone else in the act, or find out what really happened back when the Bible was written.
You can technically prove to me that Jesus didn't physically walk the Earth, and that the Bible is full of contradictions, and you can even prove that the biblical God is a sham, but you can't prove to me that there in no higher power at all. I just look at the world, and it's so big and wonderful, so beautiful, intricately made. I look at our bodies, and they are so perfect, function so well to help heal minor illnesses and digest foods and do simple things like taste and smell, so we can experience this beautiful world. It's so hard to believe it all happened on its own. I honestly don't think I ever will. I will keep trying to understand, because my mind just works that way. I always seek answers, I never can accept "I don't know." So I'm incredibly agnostic, and I will be miserable that way, unless I can find a way not to be miserable. I will probably always be agnostic. I just can't accept either side fully.
So what should I do? I'm constantly praying, and sometimes I wonder if it's pointless and feel foolish, but mainly I feel peaceful- it can't be pointless, because it calms me, whether there's a God or not. It makes me feel like everything will be ok. So, I don't want to let go of God. I get too much good, and have gotten too much good in the past from Him, or at least the idea of Him. But maybe I should become more independent, for lack of a better word. Sort of, see God as an energy rather than an all powerful being. When I left the church, one of my reasons was that I was tired of always questioning whether or not what I was doing was right in the big scheme of things.. I was always so concerned with my "path", that I obsessed about not straying from it. I simply wanted to stop caring and just live my life. I just wanted to get to the point where I didn't even think about it anymore. Just woke up, went about my day, went to sleep. Quiet. But if I keep praying to the Catholic God, or even to just a personified God, it will feel like I'm asking for guidance, and the all too familiar "voice of reason" will probably invade my thoughts a lot. Maybe I should let prayer turn into meditation. And let God be the trust I have that things won't just go to shit. Lately, I've had complete trust in Him to keep me going and keep me sane, and that's what's gotten me by, but maybe I can turn Him into that trust itself, a certain strength. Because I've obviously made it this far, so I can make it further.
And most importantly, I think I should stop seeking answers so fiercely and instead start trying to accept that I simply won't find them, or won't be satisfied with them. I've got a long way to go to finding peace, but I'm determined, dammit.
I like this quote, feel like it suites the situation:
"The sense of spiritual relief, which comes from rejecting the idea of God as a supernatural being, is enormous." -Julian HuxleyI just need to define my idea of God and accept it.
> But maybe I should become more independent, for lack of a better word. Sort of, see God as an energy rather than an all powerful being.
ReplyDeleteI think that this is the crux of what you're dealing with. For me, learning to find morality, meaning, hope, courage, within myself, that's what, in the end, let me accept my nonbelief.