Friday, June 3, 2011
Told the parents.
The parents know now too, told em last night, and in a way the reaction was better than I thought and in a way, worse. I didn't expect the complete submission, which was nice, I didn't feel like another grill session attempting to change my mind.. But there was this tone of disgust there from my dad I almost didn't expect, I mean I didn't even expect to have to tell my dad to be honest, he doesn't notice shit. But when I told my mom she said I should tell him. I timed it all 20 minutes before I had to leave for work.. Nice little strategy. Of course, they kept talking even when I said I had to leave and I was almost late. But anyway, you'd think it would've been easier.. You know, I'm 21.. This shouldn't be this fucking difficult right? Wrong. I wove myself into that church and everyone around my saw it, including my parents. They're heartbroken. Heartbroken? Cause I'm leaving a church? To find peace within myself? They don't understand. But that's how it'll always be. My dad bitched at me for telling the choir I was having trouble with my belief in a lot of the church's teachings and stuff. Literally got pissed at me, because he said I shouldn't burn bridges. So I'm supposed to lie instead? Ok. So then he goes on to tell me all his other opinions, how he stopped going to church but he never questioned god, which number one, I hadn't once said I didn't believe in god, and number two, if you question something and your faith remains after, is it not then stronger? Of course I question god, I have to. I question everything, because if I don't, then I'm following something blindly. I don't believe in that anymore. So then the last thing I hated was that he blamed one of the most wonderful things in my life for the "change", said he was a bad influence, said he was afraid I would get hurt.. I understand the concern, but that's what hurts me. I put my trust in someone after a long time of forgetting trust, because this person is te opposite of lies and deceit to me, and he always encourages me to think for myself, come up with my own ideas. And my dad thinks he's the problem. Of course, that's the first way he would think. Well, I have one person left to tell- the youth minister. Anyone after that doesn't absolutely need to know. Then I can start my journey to finding my fucking self. Without this burden.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi, Lauren. I've been reading your recent posts; I find your story relatable. My conversations with my parents about my nonbelief were the most difficult. I hope things get better for you.
ReplyDeleteSomething that was very abnormal about my apostasy was how public it was; I think this was helpful for me, because everyone in my church and family and all of my friends knew I was doubting, and saw the direction that was going. I was surprised, actually, by how understanding everyone is. Doubt and reconsideration of the role of the church is difficult and painful, and I'm glad that I was able to retain those relationships in a way that was helpful for me; my friends, I think, did an exceptional job of listening to me and caring for me. I hope that at least some of your religious friends are understanding and willing to support you as you go through this transition.