I'm fucking miserable. But I can remember a lot of times being fucking miserable at the church and sticking with it and eventually balancing out. Sometimes I was just not fucking happy, I knew I had to turn to god to make shit better but man, all I wanted was to turn the fuck away. But even that felt empty. And now part of my instincts are telling me to run the fuck back to the catholic church faster than ever before, but that feels wrong and I can't make myself do it. Going the other way feels empty as fuck but I know it'll balance out. I'm so lost and I feel so fucking out of place, it's insane, but going back to the church won't make it better, it'll make it worse. I tasted these waters, I'll be lost until I swim in them.
I hate the real reasons I'm fucking miserable, but I'm not gonna talk about that in detail. I just feel like it's all falling apart, this plan, like it's all stupid and I should just give up and do what everyone has always expcecyed of me. Why did I ever dream of being fucking different? I feel fucking alone, and I'm relying too much on one person to make me happy and I hate it.
And sometimes I just need to get shit out, so that's all.
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